


Ghosts That We Knew

by supernaturalbook



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Caring Dean Winchester, Comforting Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Bears the Mark of Cain, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Demon Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, F/M, Flashbacks, Guilt, Guilty Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Mark of Cain (Supernatural), Past Rape/Non-con, Self-Hatred, Sexual Violence, Trauma, Violence, deanmon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-25 03:41:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20019343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supernaturalbook/pseuds/supernaturalbook
Summary: Dean’s girlfriend was a virgin, and he was always patient with her. Until he turned into a demon- a Knight of Hell. When Dean regains his humanity, he has no memory of what he did, and there's nothing he can do from stopping his girlfriend from slipping further away from him.Warnings: (THIS IS A DARK FIC. Don’t read unless you’re sure nothing in here will be a trigger)  rape, violence, Deanmon is a horrible person, major guilt, and self-hatred but it ends in angsty fluff. (there’s also a big, bold warning in the story before the bad part, so you’ll know when to skip.)





	Ghosts That We Knew

**Author's Note:**

> “So give me hope in the darkness  
That I will see the light  
Cause oh, that gave me such a fright  
But I will hold as long as you like  
Just promise me we’ll be alright.”
> 
> -Ghosts That We Knew, Mumford and Sons

You were scared of him- the man you loved- and it felt horrible. 

Dean was always so patient with you, especially when it came to sex. When you first admitted it being a virgin in the middle of a heated moment, he immediately stopped and promised that he’d wait until you were ready. After that, he’d never even tried to do anything more than you were comfortable with. Sometimes he would jokingly whine about it: _“Oh, sweetheart,” _he’d murmur into your skin while cuddling with you one night._ “You love making me wait, don’t you?”_ This being said, he still held back. He always followed up with: _“But when that time comes, all that built-up pressure… Oh, it’ll be worth it. So I’ll wait for you, baby.”_ For you. He was always the absolute sweetest.

That’s why you were so scared when you learned he became a demon- a knight of Hell. From the very first time you saw him after his death- the surveillance footage of Dean killing a man with the first blade- you knew all of his morals had gone out the window. You and Sam had only managed to capture him for a week before he escaped the dungeon. That’s when he attacked you. Cas managed to get him back into the dungeon while Sam helped you recover from the worst night of your life. The feeling of utter betrayal and disgust was unimaginable. But you knew it wasn’t Dean. It was a monster. 

A week later, he was cured, and the three of you took a few more weeks off from hunting. Even though you were there when he was cured- in fact, you watched as the light came back to his crystal green eyes- you still couldn’t bring yourself to forget what he did. And no one could blame you. 

Now, a full month after the incident, the three of you were traveling in the dead of night, heading to a new hunt just like the good old days. Apparently, three girls had ended up dead within the span of a week, all in the same way. The news described it as an “apparent sacrificial murder”. It seemed like it could be related to something supernatural, so you decided to check it out. Sam was asleep, and it was only you and Dean and the rumble of the engine. You could practically feel his eyes flicking up to look at you in the mirror every now and then as he drove. Usually, you would use this time to talk with Dean cheekily about things Sam didn’t need to hear. But now, you were doing everything in your power to avoid him. Your plan was soiled when Dean spoke up, nearly catching your gaze in the rearview mirror.

“You should get some sleep, you know. It’ll be a while." 

"I’ll be alright.” You didn’t meet his eyes. To be honest, you were still too unnerved to fall asleep in his presence. 

“Alright.” It was obvious that Dean could tell you were avoiding him, but he never pressed as to why you had been so much more distant than Sam after his time as a demon. You were his _girlfriend_, he figured- so it would obviously have a different effect on you than Sam.

The moment he came back from being a demon, you were the first one he saw. He caught the look in your eyes and knew you weren’t going to recover any time soon. Dean knew it took you a while to recover after certain hunts, and this was much, _much _more than just a hunt. Your boyfriend- the man you were closest to- had become a monster. It had emotionally strained you, so of course you’d take a while to recover. Later, he learned that he had tried to kill his own brother. God, he was so ashamed- he hated himself- but Sammy seemed to have forgiven him, But, whatever he did to you must have been worse. He never thought that you would continue to grow away from him, further and further every day. At first, you had tried your hardest to talk with him. He never pushed- _never_. But eventually, you had stopped trying, and even went out of your way to avoid seeing him at all. 

You were slipping away from him. And he was scared that one day he’d wake up and you’d be completely gone.

Dean finally refocused on the road in front of him, trying to push out of his mind all that might’ve happened and you continued to look out the window, getting lost in the scenes flying past and replaying the memories of that horrible night in your head.

* * *

** Flashback **

_"(Y/N)!” You heard Sam call for you from the bunker’s dungeon, where Dean had been receiving blood treatments. ‘Oh, God’. You turned, hurrying to find the younger Winchester. You find him in the halls, visibly terrified but relieved to find you. Immediately, you put two and two together._

_“Is Dean out?”_

_“Yeah.” Your breath hitched in your throat and your heart stopped momentarily. Sam handed you a knife, noticing the look on your face. “God, I hope you don’t have to use that, but you can at least slow him down if he corners you. Just in case.” Before you could respond, a familiar voice rang through the halls._

_“Sammy! (Y/N)! Come on, guys. Let’s have some fun!” Sam and you met each other’s eyes in fear, and he pulled you through the hallway with him, away from the voice._

_“I’m going to get the keys to the control room and shut off the power. You should probably hide somewhere. Lock the door. Just- avoid him. You think you’ll be alright on your own?” _

_“Yeah. I’ll survive.” He gave you a quick nod and rushed off, while you took cover in a random “guest room”. It wasn’t long before the power went out, replaced by the red emergency lights. _

_And then you heard him._

* * *

You stayed awake until the Impala was parked outside a motel with only a few hours of darkness left. You promptly ran in and claimed a bed to yourself, almost immediately passing out as Sam pulled Dean aside. “Dean, you’ve gotta sleep in the car.”

“What?" 

"The room only has two beds, and I don’t think (Y/N) is ready to sleep in the same bed as you yet. Maybe not even in the same room.” Dean couldn’t help the paranoid feeling that ran through him at the thought of his brother and girlfriend sharing a room, but he knew that you were still shaken up and avoiding him, so he agreed, despite how much it hurt. 

“Has (Y/N) been acting weird, or is it just me?” When he was met by silence, he knew he had put his brother in an uncomfortable position. “What happened?” Sam only shook his head in apology.

“I know you’re worried about her, but I can’t say anything. You’ll have to ask her about it. I’m sworn to secrecy." 

While Dean was taking a shower, out of earshot, Sam caught your attention quietly. “(Y/N), I don’t want to pressure you into telling Dean about… the incident, but he’s been asking. It’s been killing him. He still loves you, you know. And, if you ask me, he at least deserves to know why you’ve been avoiding him. He doesn’t remember, and he’s so worried.” You only smiled woefully. You knew that you’d have to tell him eventually, and it’s already been a month. 

“I know Sam. I just don’t know how to tell him.”

“I know. I get it. You don’t have to tell him yet if you’re not comfortable, but I know you still both love each other, and you’ll have to eventually, you know.”

“I know.”

The next day, the three of you were up early in the morning, dressed in your FBI garb and ready to prod at corpses at the coroner’s office. After you had asked to look at the bodies, the officers left, and the three of you immediately looked for a connection between the girls. “Okay,” you started, cautiously prodding at the girl’s skin. “Didn’t see anything about this in the news article…” Sam and Dean looked over and noticed the same thing. Each of the girls had a different symbol carved into their skin, right in the middle of their chests. Why the officers didn’t mention the symbols earlier, who knows. The symbols themselves were different, but they were obviously of the same language or script. 

“Good eye, sweetheart.” Dean’s gentle pet name and the adoring smirk that played on his lips sent a shock of memories through your body, but you sent a small, forced smile his way. 

* * *

** Flashback **

_“Sweetheart.” You had to suppress a scream, hearing his honey-sweet, singsongy voice in the hallway right outside the room. “Come on, baby, I know you’re here! Don’t you want some sweet, sweet loving from your dear boyfriend?” You heard his footsteps right outside the room and held your breath, praying to anything that would listen that he’d keep walking. His steps were slow and drawn out, echoing off the walls of the hallway. _

_And then they stopped. _

_You froze. Maybe he’ll keep walking soon if he doesn’t find out you’re here. Hopeful thinking. And then, with a painfully loud crash, the door was kicked in. You couldn’t stop the scream that ripped through you. _

_There, standing at the broken-in door, was Dean. ‘No, no no.’ You told yourself. ‘This isn’t Dean, not the Dean I know’. _

_“There you are, baby. The smirk that tore across his face was sickening. You tried to look strong, standing up straighter and holding your knife in front of you._

_“Get away from me.” _

_“Aw, (Y/N), (Y/N), we both know you won’t do anything with that.” He took another cocky step forward, pressing the knife to his own throat tauntingly. “Do it. Kill me.” For the first time since he became what he is, you locked eyes. It’s the same green you remember seeing when you would gaze up at him after a passionate kiss, but there was something missing. His eyes were devoid of love, of humanity. The look there just confirmed your fear: this wasn’t the man you love. If these treatments don’t work… he’s gone. Maybe forever this time._

_When you don’t move, he grabs your wrist roughly and tosses your knife on the ground. You snap out of your thoughts when you hear it clatter and you immediately regret your decision. _

_Suddenly you’re pressed against the wall by a firm body, a body you remember as being kind and warm, and a shiver of fear runs through you. _

_“Oh, we’re gonna have fun, aren’t we sweetheart?” _

* * *

That afternoon, the three of you split up to talk to each of the victims’ families. Luckily, they were all in the same neighborhood, so it didn’t talk long to do it. You agreed to each take one of the families and meet up at the Impala when it was over.

Seeing the victim’s grieving families was always your least favorite part of the hunt. The confusion and fear and pain they felt that comes with losing someone without warning had always been so hard for you to see. But now, it was even worse. After losing Dean not even a year ago and having him come back as a demon and do… unforgivable things to you, you knew exactly what it felt like. 

The talk with the victim’s tearful family didn’t take long. Apparently, the young girl was coming home from some late-night church group one night when she went missing. You wondered if the other girls were also pure, virgin, churchgoers. 

With a good idea of when and where the kidnapping happened, maybe even _why _it happened, you headed back to the Impala and saw that Sam and Dean were waiting. “(Y/N).” Dean smiled when he saw you. It was so, _so _like him to keep trying to stay happy for you when you were obviously avoiding him. “So, what do we got?” You sucked in a breath and realized that you can’t avoid him anymore.

“Well, she was a good kid. Churchgoer, virgin. She was taken while coming home from church. That’s about the gist of it.” 

“Huh. Yeah, I talked to the other girl’s boyfriend. Virgin.”

“Guess we found out what they have in common. They were all virgins.” Sam confirms. 

“I’m thinking maybe they were taken for some sort of virgin sacrifice. I don’t know what type of monster goes after virgin except for dragons. Maybe someones sacrificing them to some sort of deity?” 

“Alright.” You notice Dean sent a proud smile your way. It’s not uncommon for him to do this after you’ve helped them on a case. He always did his best to make you feel appreciated, and it always sent a flush of color to your cheeks when he was proud of you. “Who wants some food?” He saw the incredulous look Sam gave him and continued. “Hey, dude, I’m hungry. We didn’t even have breakfast. We can do our researching in a diner over some burgers, can’t we?” 

And so, you headed out to a nearby diner to grab some food and do some research. The car ride was just as quiet as the other night, with Sam scrolling on his phone, probably already researching, and you were still not talking. Dean watched you quietly in the rearview mirror, with a concerned gaze. He didn’t want to push you into talking to him, but he was getting so scared that something bad happened to you while he was a demon. Maybe you’re still just trying to understand that he’s human again. Dean tried every single day to remind you that he’s himself again- the Dean that would hold you close at night, the Dean that would patch you up after a rough hunt, the Dean that was always so gentle and caring towards you. But nothing worked. You were slipping away from him more and more every day, and he was scared that one day he’d wake up and you’d be gone.

In the diner, your subconscious took over and you scooted into the booth right beside Dean- just like you used to. You saw Dean smile out of the corner of your eye and looked up at him with an uncertain smile. You had no idea why you did that, you haven’t been this close to him in so long. But by this point, it was just muscle memory.

But it felt _so right._

For the majority of the time you sat together in the diner, there was a lighter, less dense air between the three of you. You and Dean chatted almost casually as if you were still the friends and lovers you were before. It almost felt as if things had gone back to normal as if the things Dean did to you never happened. 

"So that’s our plan? We’re just gonna march in there and hopefully catch the guy red-handed? ” Sam had found a type of deity that could be summoned using virgins and certain symbols, and it seemed likely that this was what was happening. He’d suggested the three of you stake out at the church and watch the girls leave, hopefully find the guy and jump him. You just shrugged. The three of you have been through worse. “Alright. I’m down.” Dean let out an unamused chuckle and looked down at you like you were crazy.

“You’re joking, right?” You and Sam exchanged a glance. The moment you realized that the hunt included virgin sacrifices, you knew this would come up. “No, (Y/N), there’s no way you can come with. Sorry about the TMI, Sammy, but I’m _not _letting this virgin obsessed guy get her.”

“Dean…” You started. 

“And before you volunteer to be _bait_, no. I’m not risking it. Not after every fucked up thing that’s happened to us recently-”

“It wouldn’t work, anyway.” You muttered under your breath. 

“Huh?” Dean went silent, not sure what you had muttered, and focused all his attention on you.

“I’m not a virgin.” You barely raised your voice, but this time he heard. Dean’s face scrunched up in confusion. “So using me as bait wouldn’t work anyway. He won’t come after me. So I can go on the hunt.” 

“Ooookay, I’m gonna wait in the car.” Sam got up slowly, laying down a couple of bills for his food and throwing you a reassuring smile that seemed to say _‘You got this’._You watched as he left the diner, before gathering yourself together and realizing just how close you were sitting to Dean. You scooted away from him but still found yourself suffocatingly close. Too close.

_Way too close._

“(Y/N).” His voice was so low, so firm, but not yet angry. He just wanted to know what happened to the innocent, sweet (Y/N) that wanted to save herself for him. “What do you mean?” 

“I mean I…” You shifted uncomfortably in the booth, throat suddenly tight and mind hazed over in fear. “I’m not a virgin.” 

“Did you… did you lie about being one before?”

“No. I- I was one.” You would give anything to run out of that diner and not have to face this conversation. You’ve never seen Dean quite as upset as he was now. What was that emotion? You couldn’t quite place it. Anger- maybe, but masked behind sadness and confusion. And the betrayal…

“You were. But now you’re not. Did you… did you cheat on me?” His voice raised at the end in accusation and his eyes narrowed, trying to find any hint of an answer on your face. He was getting angry. It was the Mark. It was just the Mark making him react this way. You opened your mouth to choke out a quick answer, but froze completely when his hand roughly found your wrist under the table. “(Y/N), answer me!” He growled at you. _Growled_. That was the breaking point. You pulled away from his touch as hard as you could and jumped up quickly, almost knocking a waitress over. You apologized profusely before running out of the diner, not even looking back at Dean, and trying to calm yourself of the memories running through your mind.

* * *

** Flashback **

##  ***** Potentially Triggering Content Below *****

_“We’re gonna have fun, aren’t we, sweetheart?” And his lips were on yours. It was like before. It wasn’t unlike Dean to kiss you as deeply- and sometimes even as roughly- as this. For a moment, you forgot that this wasn’t your Dean. But you turned your head away, trying to break the kiss, You’ve wanted Dean for so long. You’ve wanted to feel Dean’s hands all over your body. But not like this._

_Never like this. _

_This wasn’t the Dean you knew. Not the Dean that promised to be gentle and slow when it came time to finally sleep together. No. This monster was rough, fast and uncaring. But to see Dean’s body, to feel his hands on your skin… It was too much._

_And you hated yourself for being turned on by it. _

_You pushed against him, trying to resist him, but he was a demon. He was stronger than you. It was basically hopeless. But yet, you tried your best to kick and push at him. You put your hands on his shoulders and tried to push him back. It was hard to hit him when this was still Dean’s body. _

_“Oh, you like to put up a fight, baby? How cute.” _

_“Stop it!” You pushed aside your hesitations and threw a fist towards his beautiful face. Barely flinching, he grabbed your jaw roughly with one hand, pinned your wrists together with the other and forced you to look at him. His eyes had gone black, and he was- to put it simply- terrifying. _

_“Shut up.” _

_“Make me, you black-eyed dick.” You had momentarily gotten him to stop what he was doing, but you soon realized that your plan didn’t work like you thought it would. _

_“Oh, I plan to, bitch.” You’d never heard Dean call you a bitch or anything bad for that matter. For some reason, it hurt so much hearing it come from his lips, in his voice. Not wasting any time, his hand slid under your shirt and grabbed at your breasts roughly. You tried to ignore the feeling of his hands groping you, and force yourself to look at him, trying a different approach. _

_“Dean, please. I know you’re there somewhere. The real you. You don’t have to do this.” _

_“Oh ho, that’s your plan?” He seemed amused, taking a glance at your scared expression. “Sweet talking me out of it? Well, hate to break it to you, but this is the real me.” _

_That’s when you felt it. _

_Dean was hard, pressing himself against your inner thigh. His hand traveled down your arm and unbuttoned your jeans. You weren’t sure if it was his demonic powers or just pure shock that was keeping you from moving, but no matter how much you wanted to, you were frozen in place. “I can’t believe how long you made me wait for this. Don’t you think you owe me something? What kind of worthless excuse of a girlfriend are you that you can’t even give your boyfriend sex?” _

_“No. You’re not Dean. Dean would never do this.” He knew just what to say to hurt you. You had worried about being a bad girlfriend ever since you told Dean you were a virgin. Though you felt bad for asking Dean to take it slow, he always reminded you that you weren’t a burden to make him wait. So, despite how difficult it was, you pushed his words out of your mind, trying not to let them get to you. His hand was suddenly grabbing you in places no one has ever touched, slipping a finger inside of you. You hated yourself for how turned on you were, considering the circumstances. “Get the fuck off!” Your voice failed you, and Dean laughed. _

_“You’re so turned on, sweetheart.” You hated it. Absolutely hated that he was calling you sweetheart. You used to love when he called you sweetheart. Now, it was a curse. He said it mockingly, spitting on your relationship. His fingers pumped harder. “You want this. You’ve waited for this for a while, haven’t you? You’ve touched yourself thinking of me.” He yanked your pants down only far enough to gain access. _

_“No. Not of you.” You thrashed against his hold again._

_“You’re not going anywhere.” you felt him grind against your now naked lower half and panic rose in your throat. _

_“Get the fuck off of me!” You feel him reposition you against the wall and knew what was coming. You tried your hardest to kick at him and only found yourself frozen in place. “Stop!” You thrashed against his hold and he only held you tighter as he pushed into you. He moved roughly, giving you no time to adjust- not that that would be any better, anyway. _

_“Stop talking!” _

_So you gave up. With hot tears streaming down your face, you closed your eyes so that you wouldn’t have to see Dean’s face and just waited, prayed for it to be over. Before you knew it, Dean’s body was ripped from yours and you were falling into someone’s arms. “Holy shit. (Y/N). I’ve got you. Breath.” You remember feeling Sam cover you up with a blanket without looking at your exposed body and holding you while Castiel pulled Dean away to the dungeon. You remember feeling Castiel’s grace wash over you gently, helping your body recover from the violation. They were so kind and cautious to you during this time and made sure not to even speak of Dean in your presence. But when the time came, a week later- you told them you wanted to watch him come back to this world._

_And you did. _

* * *

It felt like you had been making progress with Dean in the recent days. You had talked to him more than you have all month, and you even sat next to him and almost leaned onto his shoulder. But now that was all over. Here you were again in the backseat of the Impala, once again not speaking to Dean, and this time bruised and bloody.

The hunt went south quickly. Turns out, the “monster” that you were hunting was just some stupid guy who wanted to summon a demon. Well, not like he knew, but killing these virgins was _not _the way to do it. In fact, he managed to summon an age-old deity who wanted to kill. This guy’s fourth victim was already dead, but by summoning this monster he had nearly doomed the whole town. Luckily, the three of you had improvised and managed to send the deity back where it came from. Dean, still plagued by the Mark of Cain, had obviously been taking his anger out on the monster and, in the end, killed the man who had summoned it as well. The scariest thing about the night was how unphased Dean was with killing. 

So now, you sat in the back of the Impala, tears streaming down your face silently and pretending to be asleep so that Dean wouldn’t try to talk to you about it. Your shoulder was hurt during the hunt and you’d surely have some bruises forming but, other than that and the emotional trouble you were going through, you were unharmed. The moment the car pulled into the bunker’s garage, you knew Dean would want to carry you inside like he always did when you were asleep after hunts, and you couldn’t handle that right now. As soon as he parked, you were out, running into the bunker and to your bedroom. 

You locked the door to your room, shed your bloodied jacket and immediately dropped onto your bed, pressing your face into your pillow. You couldn’t show it earlier, but after your conversation with Dean in the diner and seeing him go all Mark of Cain on the monster earlier, you were worried about what he would say to you. He thought you cheated on him. It would be easier for him to handle that lie than the truth to what really happened.

“(Y/N)? Are you okay?” You barely heard the voice on the other side of the door. It was Dean. As much as you wanted to crumble into his arms and cry, you also didn’t want to face him. 

“I’m fine.” 

“That’s gotta be the _least _convincing thing I’ve ever heard.” You heard a small, somber chuckle and smiled. That was just like Dean. “Come on, (Y/N). I’m not angry at you. I just… I wanna see you. Please?” You could hear the sincerity in his voice, the sincerity that you had so often used to ground yourself when you were scared. This was _your _Dean again. He was back. He wasn’t a demon and you didn’t need to be scared of him anymore. So you stood up and opened the door. There he stood, looking down at you with a sad smile and holding a steaming cup of tea in his hands. “I made you that tea you like.” He handed it over to you and motioned to your bed. “Can I come in?”

“Okay.” You backed up, still keeping your eyes on him while you sat back on your bed, crossing your legs underneath you and pulling the blanket up around you, cupping your drink between your palms. Dean closed the door to your room gently behind him and sat beside you on your bed, hands balled into fists on his thighs.

“It’s… weird to have separate rooms, don’t you think?” His smile held no happiness as he looked around at the decor you had taken out of your shared room and added here. Last he remembered, you slept in _his _room. Hell, most of his stuff probably still smelled like you. But ever since he became a demon, you’d retreated to the room you had before you started dating him. 

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s pretty different.” An air of somber silence fell over the two of you for a few moments, before Dean spoke up again. 

“Okay, look…” His smile dropped and he faced you with a serious look. “In the diner earlier… I 

overreacted. I’m sorry for grabbing you.” He went to hold your hand gently but paused when you again flinched away from him. He pulls his hand away, balling it up on his fist again. There’s a visible pain in his eyes when he meets yours. “I… I’ve been thinking, and I’m not angry anymore. I don’t care if you slept with someone else while I was gone. It’s selfish of me to want to keep you for myself when I’m not even here for you. Hell, to be honest, I probably slept around a _lot_.” He paused, shaking his head as if he were ashamed. “But if you’re willing to look past that fact, so am I.” 

“Dean…” You couldn’t figure out what to say. Where could you start? 

“But, (Y/N), please tell me what’s wrong. Ever since I’ve come back, you’ve been… distant. You’re… you’re _flinching _every time I move. I hate seeing you so withdrawn. So _scared _of me. I’m so, so fucking scared that I’m going to wake up one day and you’ll have left.“ He stopped talking when you reached out and hesitantly lifted up his hand in yours. You focused your attention on his hand, rubbing circles over his palm and feeling the rough pads of his fingers, before tangling your fingers through his. The warmth of his skin traveled from his hand to yours and, once again, you were reminded of just how _human _he was again.

"Dean. Dean.” Your voice wavered, and soon you were sobbing his name quietly, head bowed in front of him and holding his hand in yours. “Dean…”

“(Y/N).” Dean lowered his face to meet your eyes, trying his best to smile reassuringly at you. But it wasn’t easy to reassure when neither of you was sure about anything “ Baby, please tell me the truth. About everything. I can tell there’s something I don’t remember and it’s killing me, baby. I don’t like seeing you hurt and not knowing how to help.” You lean into him and cry silently on his shoulder. 

“Dean I’m so scared.” Dean let you cry for a moment, and he didn’t try to hug you, despite how much he wanted to. Then, you looked up at him. He looked so, so hurt. A face as beautiful as his should never, _never _look so broken. A man as amazing as him should never feel anything less than happy. “Dean, I’m not going to try to… slip away into the night. Never. Okay? But. I’m just so scared. Yeah, something _did _happen, and I _am _still a little scared of you. But I’m not giving up on us." 

"So it was me? I did something?”

“Yeah. Yeah, you did.” You took a breath and tugged your blanket tighter around you. “You did something. And sometimes, when I see you, I think you’re still a demon. And I get scared." 

"I hurt you?” You nodded. “I hurt you. _Shit_.” Dean sucked in a breath and looked away, rubbing his hands over his face and trying to gather himself. Dean always had a problem with feeling guilty and beating himself up whenever you or Sam got hurt on a hunt, even if it wasn’t his fault. He’d hide away in his room with a bottle of liquor and drink the night away, and he’d come to you in the morning and wrap himself around you, apologizing and promising he’d never let you get hurt again. You couldn’t imagine how he feels knowing he was the one who hurt you. “_Shit_. I’m so sorry. Did- did I hurt you so bad that earlier today you thought I would hurt you again? Because of your, ah, virginity?" 

"Wait, Dean. That’s something else I need to clear up.” You looked up at him, eyes rimmed in red. “About my virginity. Well, actually, who took it.” Dean watched you gently for a moment before shaking his head.

“You really don’t need to tell me." 

"I do, though.”

“Well, I don’t know them, do I? Cause that would just be awkward.” He gave a weak smile, trying to lighten the situation. You looked down at his hand, still in yours, and tried to piece together your sentences. But then Dean spoke up, hesitant and careful as he looked into your eyes for any sign of an answer. “(Y/N), do you… still love me? Or do you want to be with them instead?”

“No, Dean. I-.”

“I would understand if you wanted to leave. I won’t try to stop you. In fact-" 

"Dean, stop.” You couldn’t take it any longer. With tears once again streaming out of your eyes, you ducked your head and rested it on his shoulder. “Dean, it was you. When you were a demon." 

"What?” Dean seemed to take a moment to piece together all the things you had told him. “I’m the one who…?” Then he pulled back from you, trying to gauge your emotions to figure out if what he thought was true. “No.” You watched all the emotions play on his face, his eyes widening and his lips parting as he tried to understand what that meant. He finally seemed to process what he’d done, and stood from the bed, pacing the room and rubbing his hands over his face. “No.” When he finally moved his hands away, you could see his eyes were red and wet- he’d been crying silently. 

“Please don’t cry." 

"Don’t-?” Dean cut himself off, a bitter laugh escaping his lips. He couldn’t even bring himself to look at you. “(Y/N), how am I supposed to do that? I-” his voice cracked and he looked down at the floor. “How can you even stand being near me? After… after that? After I…” He rubbed his hand over his face again and mumbled. “Son of a bitch…”

And then he was gone, rushing out of the room as if he needed to get away from you.

And you went after him after a moment, following him through the hall and watching as he pushed the door to his room open and let his fist fly into the wall. You had to suppress a yelp from tearing through you. The Mark on his arm glowed, and you had to calm yourself down. _This is my Dean. He doesn’t want to hurt me. That’s why he ran out._ By the time you phased back into reality, he had already pushed the lamp off his bedside table and knocked the things off of the shelf above his bed. You couldn’t believe he was wrecking his bedroom like this. The bedroom he was so happy to finally have when we moved here. The bedroom that must have felt _so _empty ever since you stopped sleeping next to him. 

“Dean…” 

“Leave.” He growled, grabbing his arm and clenching his right hand into a fist as if trying to suppress the angry Mark. His back was to you, but you could see his head was bowed and his shoulders slumped. He looked so… _small_. “(Y/N), if you don’t leave, I’ll leave. I’ll go far away until the Mark is gone, somewhere where I can’t hurt you.” He turned towards the doorway and his eyes caught yours. He immediately seemed ashamed that he’d broken down like that in front of you, and tore his eyes away from you, staring straight ahead instead and finding his own eyes staring back at him in the mirror.

“Dean, we need to talk." 

"What is there to talk about? I hurt you. I r…” Dean took a breath, steadying himself on the small sink under his mirror. His voice shook in fear of what he was about to say. _“I raped you.”_ You watched his face twist into anger as he stared at himself in the mirror. You couldn’t stand watching him hate himself.

“Dean…” you tried to get his attention, but it seemed like he was too far gone. You jumped back when his fist crashed to the mirror, shattering his reflection into a million pieces. He took a few steps backwards and sat down at the foot of his bed, sucking in deep breaths and tears running down his face. It seemed like he had calmed down, at least enough to talk with you, so you hesitantly took a seat next to him. “Dean. Please.” No matter how awkward it was to be so close to him again, he needed comfort, and you weren’t just going to sit here and watch him cry. You moved your hands to cup his face and pulled him down to rest on your shoulder, dragging your fingers across his scalp like you knew he loved. 

“I’m so sorry, (Y/N).” He murmured it to you over and over like a mantra, as if it would make everything alright again. After a few minutes, he pulled away and looked down at you with watery green eyes. “Why don’t you hate me for this?” 

“I could never hate you. It hurts, yeah, and sometimes it’s hard to be close to you. But I still love you.” A tiny smile started to lift the corners of Dean’s lips, but he pushed it away. 

“Don’t just brush this off like it was nothing.”

“I’m not brushing it off. Dean, you weren’t… _you_. You were a demon. Trust me, if the circumstances were different, and we were normal, I would have left because of that. But we’re hunters- we have a _fucked up _life. You were _literally _a _demon_. I’m not going to blame the man I love for something he couldn’t control.” You leaned over, resting your head against his bicep, remembering how you used to do this all the time. “I’ve spent this whole month trying my best to move forward from it. I thought today I… I ripped the bandaid off, ya know? Don’t put it back on.” Dean was quiet for a moment before finally letting a small smile lift his beautiful lips.

“You really forgive me for this?”

“I never blamed you. But, I don’t know if I’ll ever forget about it. I love you. I just… still see a demon sometimes when I look at you. You’ll have to be patient with me.” You laughed bitterly before looking back up at him. “I think part of the reason I avoided you was so that I wouldn’t have to tell you what happened. ‘Cause I’m trying to forget about it. I really want to look past this. I want to be comfortable around you again. I want to hug you again. I want to kiss you again, Dean.” 

“Can I… hug you?” 

“Please.” Slowly, tantalizingly, he wrapped his big arms around you, pulling you into his chest and tucking your head under his chin. You arms found their way under his jacket, closer to the warmth of his body. You nuzzled your face into his neck, breathing in his familiar scent for the first time in months and feeling his fingers glide through your hair gently. This was Dean. _God_, this was the same Dean who you’d lost months ago. Wrapped up all warm and cozy against his chest, you became hyper-aware of your heart and his beating against each other- a soft rhythm in the otherwise quiet room. “We’ll get through this. I know we will.”

“(Y/N), I’m so, so sorry for all of this. I miss you. _God_, I miss you so much. I’ll wait for you, forever, if I have to. I just need you to promise me we’ll be alright.”

“Dean, I promise. Just hold on for me, baby.”

“As long as you need.” And he did.

So yeah, the ghost of this memory might leave you hurting for a while, but you’ll be damned if you’re gonna let that stop you from loving Dean. You and Dean both knew how to kill ghosts, so it didn’t stand a chance against your love. Soon, it would flicker from view, and then…

…then, you’ll live a long life with the man who you always loved, and who you always will love- _Dean Winchester._

**Author's Note:**

> "The ghosts that we knew  
Made us blackened or blue  
But we’ll live a long life  
And the ghosts that we knew  
Will flicker from view  
And we’ll live a long life.”
> 
> -Ghosts That We Knew, Mumford and Sons


End file.
